來自KJ的一些祝願: 「生命是充滿著驚喜」

對於人們真的將藉由觀影來「看」到我內在世界的思考這件事，仍令我感到不可思議。我並不擅於，事實上是很差勁地，在人群前呈現自己，因此通常別人對我的看法很兩極，不是恨我就是愛我。許多人會覺得我是個有天賦的年輕人，卻不怎麼珍惜自己的才華，或某些人會認為我只是活在自己的幻想裡，對人很虛假......無所謂。最近一位朋友說我們是被身邊的人所定義的，但我認為，更重要的是我們怎麼回應自己的靈魂。

我是個意圖主義者(intentionalist)。我相信在生命的最終我們如何回應自己才是最重要的。因此我或許曾傷害過許多人許多次。或許有時我是故意的 =P 出於憤怒或不成熟。但至少我「希望」我並不想這麼做。個性強烈、混亂、失去方向、想法不成熟、受「父母」的影響，或許都是不錯的藉口？呵呵...... 自我分析過去青少年生涯是痛苦的，因為我曾做過許多不討好的決定。我必須說我厭惡自己對待別人的方式，但我也很珍惜這些錯誤，是它們幫助我成為我今天的自己。哎。

我痛恨自己被冠上「有天賦」，甚至「天才」。首先，這並不是真的；其次，它摧毀我的童年。就像中國人所謂的命理，我相信每個人都有自己的路及命運。試想，如果母親並沒帶我和兄妹去跟那位鋼琴老師學琴，而是帶我去上數學班，而父親訓練我的數學像他訓練我彈鋼琴一樣—午餐時練2小時，晚上或許再多一點，之後讓我參加比賽且繼續獲得更多成就，甚至變成十年飯桌上唯一的話題。現在你或許會說我很膚淺，不了解比賽給予我的；但如果你每年二月和三月參加同樣的比賽，這樣的生活，在你的童年持續個十年，或許你就會有這份同情。

比賽的確帶給我動力。當你八歲能獲得某些小東西是很酷、很有成就的，但也不知不覺地迫使我為了錯誤的理由演奏音樂。值得慶幸的是，諸多的比賽，讓我比別人更早領悟到比賽這件事會毫無價值地摧毀一個人的音樂世界。不過，我的父親至今仍舊對比賽很熱衷很著迷。呵呵。

一個人有可能成為億萬富翁、藝術家、清潔工、律師、醫生、乞丐等等。對我來說，這有很大的部分取決於個性、成長背景以及教育環境。有的人就是很不幸，一輩子一無所獲，但另一個在你F1班級的同學或許就是最「成功」的人。上帝很不公平不是？在鏡頭前，我為此困惑到落淚，那是八年前我在捷克接受訪問的時候。記得抵達捷克之前，我在曼谷街頭目睹一群人追著一名小偷。那可憐的小偷半裸，像我一樣瘦（呵），為了逃避司法制裁，他爬上一棟老舊的建築。或許，他才偷走30元就只为了吃東西。這一幕，讓我非常震驚；一個小時前，我還在練鋼琴，我從來不知道這個世界有這麼多的悲劇、不公平和悲傷。我當時真的一整個不明白。

經過多年的內在衝突，我領悟到我們是誰並不重要，重要的是：我們是什麼。或許那個可憐的傢伙註定要偷那30元。我註定被同一個人拋棄3次；莫札特註定是有史以來最偉大的奇才。但在這些混亂之中，我仍然相信公平。我深信在這無窮變化的世界，上帝並不會輕易地以我們是否「表像」地「信仰了祂」或是否做了所謂「對」的事情而評斷我們。我相信祂看重的是我們真誠地成長，且誠實地以身為一個「人」面對自己。

我不相信天堂。因為我相信我們已經生活在天堂裡。我們只是被我們自己不成熟的天性給蒙蔽了，愚蠢到不願意去承認吧。

希望那些看過KJ的人會喜歡這部片。你們是幸運的，因為連我自己都還沒看過。

附英文原件：

Few wishes by KJ：＜Life is full of surprise.＞It still amuses me that people are actually going to 'see' through the scenes to my inner world of thinking. I am not good - in fact very bad - at presenting myself to people, therefore usually people take me to its extreme, either hate me or love me. Many would think I am a talented young boy who doesn't treasure my gifts, or some would think I am living in my own fantasies being fake to people... Doesn’t matter. Recently one of my friends said we are defined by the people around us, but I think it's more important how we answer to our souls.

I am an intentionalist. I believe its how we answer to ourselves at the end of the day that matters. consequentially I may have hurt a lot of people back many times. Well, maybe sometimes i meant them. =P perhaps out of frustration or immaturity. yet at least I 'hope' i didn't want to. Mix feelings of strong personality, confusion, lack of direction, immaturity in ideas, (parental) influences may be good excuses? Ha-ha... self-evaluating my teenage life is painful, there were so many undesirable decisions that i have made. I must say I hated how I dealt with people but yet I also treasure these mistakes for bringing myself to who I am. grudges.

I hate myself for being crowned as "talented" or even "genius" which firstly, are not true; and secondly, destroyed my childhood. Implicated by Chinese astrology, I believe everyone has his own path and destiny. Imagine what would happen if my mum didn't register me and my siblings with that piano teacher, but instead took me to a math class and my father trained me like he did to my piano - 2 hours at lunch and perhaps a little more at night. then entering me to competitions and kept crowning achievements. To the extend that it becomes the only topic for 10 years on the dining table. now you may say I am superficial and don't understand what competitions have brought to me. but if you do the same competition at February and March for 10 years in your childhood, then you may have the sympathy.

Competitions did give me motivation. it was 'very cool' and satisfying to achieve some little thing when you were 8. But it also subtly forced me to play the music for the wrong reason. I must say I am also fortunate to have been in the competitions. They brought me to realize its meaningless destruction to one's music earlier than other people. Ha-ha at least my father is obsessed with it, still.

So, one may be a billionaire, artist, janitor, lawyer, doctor, beggar, whatever. For me it depends great deal on personality, background and education. somebody might just got bad luck and achieve nothing in his life, but just another classmate in your F1 class may be the most 'successful' man. Isn't God unfair? I was confused into tears in front of the camera because of that in that interview in Czech 8 years ago. I remember right before I went to Czech I saw a bunch of people chasing after a thief on the street in Bangkok. The poor thief was half naked, skinny like me (oh well), climbing up one of the oldest buildings trying to escape from justice perhaps because he stole 30 bucks for food. I was literally shocked. one hour earlier I was practicing the piano and I never knew that there is so much tragedy, unfairness and sadness in this world. I simply didn't understand it.

So after years of inner conflict, I have realized it doesn't matter who we are, but what we are. Maybe that poor guy is destined to steal those 30 bucks. I am destined to be dumped by the same person 3 times in a row; Mozart was destined to be the greatest prodigy ever. Yet I do believe in fairness out of all these chaos. I am convinced that under the unlimited varieties in this world, God don't simply judge us by whether we 'explicitly' "put our faith in God" nor do the "right" thing. But I believe he looks at how we grow upon our sincerity. and be true to ourselves as human being.

I don't believe in Heaven. Because I believe we are all living in Heaven already. We are just blindfolded by our immature human nature, too foolish to admit.

Hope those who have watched KJ like it. You guys are lucky as I haven't watched it myself.